more whining

I try not to be a negative person, but right now I'm depressed, and am struggling to get through the day. I walk down to the mailbox trying not to get my hopes up, but come upstairs crying when it's yet another day of waiting. The end may be in sight, but when they tease you with your residency over six weeks ago, it feels like torture. When I'm not in the middle of a painting or project, I get very bored. People say they envy me and my situation - having all this time with no demands. But when you have nothing to take a break from, it isn't relaxing. I do try and paint often, but you can't force inspiration. While I am incredibly grateful that Aaron has a job, especially one that he enjoys, I hate it when he goes out of town. It makes the days even longer and lonelier. At least the trip he is currently on is just one night away.

I hate the unmarried girls that "accidentally" get pregnant when I've been trying to for over nine months. And well, I'm not particularly impressed with some of the married ones either, especially when they are five to ten years younger than me. Yes, I am totally and completely jealous of the fact that you are having children and I'm not. And I am sorely tempted to punch the next person that tells me "it will happen when you stop thinking about it" or other crap like that. I am very much aware that Heavenly Father has a timeline for things. Perhaps if I had something to do to distract me from this it wouldn't be so bad.

I feel so useless right now. I can't contribute financially to our marriage, and I can't bring children into our family. Yes, I cook and clean and do laundry and all that, but it just isn't fulfilling enough.